SWINED!

I got the Swine Flu. H1N1...whatever you want to call it. Let me get back to feeling human and less undead and I'll resume my posting.

Thanks and stay healthy!!!

Why We Need to go Back to Cali....

Ok, ok...so everyone wonders why I so badly want to move away from Portland and back to Southern California...They think I am insane to want to leave an emerald green, progressive, sustainable city and move to a dirty, overcrowded, "plastic" metropolis. Well, to me, the answer is quite clear...and it has nothing to do with the weather. Although, to be honest, living underwater for 9 months out of the year SUCKS. I am a self professed lizard, and I love the sun. Sun, sun, sun, sun, sun. Now that I have kids, living in a milder climate is essential to my sanity as well....two kids with cabin fever=a mom ready for the loony bin.

The REAL reason, however, that I so badly want to go back home to Cali is family. We are so isolated up here and have all of our family and relatives living in California.....now that the holidays are rolling back around I feel that need for my "village" more than I usually do. And the clincher is that my son, who is 5 years old now, is very much aware that all of his family is in California....for Thanksgiving we'll be eating at a restaurant, not with family. While my kid normally loves eating out of the house, this year he got teary-eyed and asked if we could have turkey at his aunt's house. Broke my heart. Why don't we travel for the holidays so that we can be around family...well, my husband manages a Trader Joe's. This is his busiest time of year.....no time for traveling.

We have to move back to SoCal. Have to. I won't have another year of lonely holidays for my kids. I want them to enjoy the fruits of having many generations around them, telling them stories of what life used to be like, enriching them with a cornucopia of unconditional love. It's worth every penny, particle of pollution and moment of plasticity. Every single one.

AAAAARRGGHHHHH!!!

I don't get it. Seriously. My kids LOVED mashed potatoes as of 2.5 seconds ago and now they are retching and saying how gross they are...too mushy. I ate some and they are crazy good! I hate this. I honestly and fervently HATE feeding young children. It's worse than Chinese torture.

Girls Can Pee Standing Up

My daughter turned 2 years old in February and has pretty much potty trained herself. She is super observant and quick on the take and will imitate her 4 year old brother at the drop of a hat. Well, so far, this little princess of mine has been dropping trou and using the potty at home without a hitch...until yesterday afternoon. I heard her go into her bathroom and pull out her potty and then heard a tinkle that was louder than normal...as I walked in to see what was up (I imagined she was pouring a cup of water in there for some sort of toddler liquid experiment) she was peeing STANDING UP!!!

I guess it makes perfect sense that since she copies her big bro in pretty much everything he does, it was just a matter of time before she would copy his way of going pee! LOL! I just hadn't thought of it happening! Ok...so now how do you explain to a 2 year old why girls must sit while boys must stand?

And no...I was not able to keep a straight face when I saw her relieving herself a la masculine! :)

Sock Mops

Ok, I know that I am not the only mom out there to do this...but for some reason I am kind of embarrassed to admit that when my kids spill drinks on the kitchen floor 9 times out of 10 I wipe it up with a quick swipe of my sock. Yep, the good ol' sock mop maneuver.

The crazy thing is that I am normally a completely anal retentive, type A, clean freak. I love cleaning my house, love how it looks right after I give it it's weekly top to bottom scrub down and have minor nervous breakdowns when crumbs start to accumulate on the floors. I come from a LONG line of clean freaks and I am somewhat diluted compared to my mother and especially my grandmother. Both kept homes that looked liked museums. Both made sure that their homes were literally Spring cleaned at least twice a week. I got the shot beat out of me several times as a teen for shoving clothes in my closet rather than hanging them neatly....Mommy Dearest, anyone?

Yet, here I am. Using my sock to wipe up milk and juice droplets from the floor. I think that the sleep deprivation, sheer stress of being a SAHM, amongst other random things has made something in my cerebrum say, "hey...what's a few OJ stains on your socks matter?" . I actually like that I am ok with this...something my matriarchs would cringe, scream and probably excommunicate me for. I like that in this small way I am breaking away from the total insanity of my white-glove-to-check-for-dust predecessors.

And I also think that someone needs to invent socks for just this very purpose. Hell, someone came out with the Snuggie and is now basking in new found financial windfall....the Sock Mop would blow that sleeved blanket out of the water....and I'll order a pair in every color.

Strap-On!!

Seriously....I in no way have delusions of being the best mom on earth. However, when I see blatant examples of poor parenting I feel like I should be head of CPS.

Don't get me started on the pregnant smokers or parents who light up in front of their kids, etc. I could get slightly crazy on that topic. What is driving me insane at this moment is that in the past few weeks I've seen at least three cars with toddlers in the backseat just hanging out....UNSTRAPPED.

Are you kidding me? If you can't afford a carseat or at the very least a car with seatbelts in it then please, please, please just take the bus. It's offensive to me how careless some parents are with their children. There are so many amazing couples that would give their left arm for a child yet are unable to conceive...and then there are people who can breed at the drop of the dime and then endanger their children's lives without half a thought. Terrible.

Judge THIS, Biotch!!!

My 2 year old daughter has a temper that qualifies her for Heathen of the Year. I thought my son was "a lot", but my daughter takes the cake and is causing me to age 50 years every 30 minutes. Hardcore child. So, when she has a tantrum it is loud enough to break windows and create a sonic boom effect. I don't like it...who would? I also do everything every book and family member has told me to do to ameliorate the situation...to no avail. This girl is loud and determined and that's that.

My best bet when this child of mine melts down in public is to remove her from the situation. This morning I was at the local kid friendly coffee shop with both kids when my daughter decided that the communal Elmo toy was hers and started grabbing it out of a snot laden little boys hands. He, in turn, pushed her away and as my daughter made her 2nd attempt to nab the toy I walked over to her and calmly explained that she needs to wait her turn and share. But, by God, she is TWO YEARS OLD and not so much in the way of being logical.

When she wants Elmo, she wants him NOW. Period. At that point she lets out one of her nefariously loud screams that make anyone within a 10 mile radius suffer from partial hearing loss. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. I lost count of her screams as I walked back to the table to grab my bag and coats and leave my full cup of coffee (tears). The entire pack of mothers in that joint either stared with daggers in their eyes and several had the balls to make comments like "I'm so glad my kids don't do that" and "What a spoiled kid". One mother even looked me up and down in disgust as I was exiting the building.

I mean, seriously? I can understand the childless citizens of this earth reacting that way when confronted with a banshee toddler, but for other mothers to be so damned judgemental and bitchy amazes me. Do they really all have perfect kids? I find that hard to believe. I may have one that is a lot more difficult than most, but does that make it so I have to stay at home with her all the time in order to not offend the sensibilities of other breeders?

I say all judgemental biotch mothers need to be segregated to a far away island where they can revel in breastfeeding their kids until they are 12 and chatter amongst themselves about how they love their stretchmarks. I am over this cliquish mommy crap.

My Son's Husband

So I'm sitting here watching my son draw with his new crayons and all of a sudden he looks up at me ever so sweetly and says, "Mama, you're my best husband".

I just looked at him and smiled because I wasn't quite sure what he meant but he looked so cute regardless.....so he kept repeating "husband, husbanend, husbannnd". I finally asked him, "Honey, did you just say I am your best husband?" and he replied, "Yes, Mama....because you love me so much and take care of me so you are my husband." I melted right there in my chair before finally explaining to him the difference between a husband and a wife and well....just being a mom.

Out of the mouth of babes comes the very best stuff. ;)

Don't Let This Be Me....

My parents are up visiting and while I am trying my best to be sweet as pie and tolerant this is proving to be, well, tough. I won't bore you with the details of my dysfunction junction childhood and the fact that although I am trying to grow as a human being, psychobabble, yadda yadda....I still hold resentments. And getting demanded to run out in the middle of rush hour traffic last night in the middle of my making dinner (with two hungry kids, no less) to buy my mom prunes and Ensure is just not what helps lose those resentments.....

Please, God, help me NOT be that mother. I swear, that even if I am laying a huge load and fresh out of Depends, I will not make either of my kids run out to buy them for me while they are trying to get dinner made and getting yelled and grabbed at by their toddlers. I may fantasize about this type of revenge when my kids are driving me crazy, but I pray to the powers that be, that I remain the cool as shit mom that I always wanted and wanted to be.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things....

I have decided to start a series on this blog called "These Are a Few of My Favorite Things" that will include things that I absolutely abhor and that annoy me to the point of homicidal maniacdom.

Here is the first of many:

I love that no matter how wonderful your husband may be, there will ALWAYS be more toilet hairs and urine spots than you ever thought possible left on the toilet rim. These, of course, will only ever be cleaned by the lady of the house (unless she is lucky enough to be able to hire someone to do it for her.)

Y U C K.

Boogers and Pasta

My husband and I are both foodies, and from what we've been told we were great eaters even as kids. As a fashion model, I have always gotten to hear quips about how "we" don't eat more than parsley and toilet paper, but I'm the first to gorge myself on a prime rib buffet and not make a trip to bathroom in order to purge. My husband and I live and breathe for good eats and therefore should have kids that enjoy the culinary arts as well, right? Not really.

Both my son and daughter have the typical toddler and preschool dietary requirements of pasta, cheese, bread and anything sweet but will not touch meat (unless it is breaded and deep fried) with a 10 inch pole, nor are they ever willing and ready to try anything new. You can imagine the frustration behind this for a mom who wants her kids to have a healthy and varied diet....and once I do find something they both really enjoy, and run out to buy massive quantities of whatever that may be to ensure they don't run out until they are off too college, they are sure to decide it's "yucky" or "disgusting" the next time I try to serve them.

Now, all of this wouldn't be so bad (since I know most kids are like this) if it weren't for the fact that both of them get caught red handed during in depth nasal excavations which tend to lead to crunchy discoveries that are then promptly devoured. How is it possible to call a piece of delicious bbq steak "gross" and then turn around and indulge in boogers? And my soon to be 2 year old still chews on random crap but when presented with scrambled eggs she will gag until her eyes roll to the back of her head. Who are these strange little creatures? And should I just stop spending outrageous amounts of money at the supermarket and let them self-generate their meals by way of boogers, ear wax and scabs? It would save us a lot of money......

I Am Not a Woman Anymore

Last weekend I got called in to do a photoshoot for a few local wedding gown designers. I try to never turn down bookings because besides the compensation, it is always a nice break from my norm which consists of sweatshirts and dirty jeans (being a stay at home mom....I barely have time to pee much less make myself look good). During the shoot I had a glass of bubbly, talked to the crew and other models and reveled in getting to feel like an adult for a few hours.

After the shoot I came home in full hair and make-up and got a little compliment from the husband after which I said something to the effect of "Yeah, it's nice to get to feel like a woman again...". At this point, my 4 year old son, between heaping spoons of fishsticks and mashed potatoes says to me "But Mama! You aren't a woman....you're just a mommy!". Now, what do you say to that???

***Sigh**** I knew I left my womanhood on the delivery table along with the placenta 4 1/2 years ago. Have mercy.